"My grandfather, great-grandfather and great-great-grandfather and so on, going back loads of generations, were professional gardeners. They worked in a big country house in Lincolnshire, grew veg and fruit for the squire and flowers for the lady, knew all the tricks of the trade.
"You could say fertiliser runs in my veins. Well, strictly speaking it probably does. Got a bit desperate a while ago and tried shooting up Baby Bio. Not much of a rush, but I definitely felt taller the next day.
"My dad wasn't that interested in gardening, though. Being a professional juggler, he didn't stay in one place long enough to have a garden. The job – and the paternity suits and the bigamy thing – kept him on the move. Still, he could do a lovely reverse cascade with tangerines."
Ronny on scented plants
"I'm a big fan of scented plants. Rue, artemisia, lavender, all of that. I've got a load of them either side of the path to the front door. There's a few reasons for that. First, most of them have light-coloured foliage, so if you come home late it's easy to see where the path is. Even if you have to close one eye and squint a bit.
"Second, they're nice and soft so if, let's say, you're a bit wobbly on your feet and go arse over tit, they're not going to rip your fucking face off on your way down. And when you're lying there, it's amazing the way the fragrance perks you up. That and Dave the butler heaving you into a wheelbarrow to get you to bed.
"Dave used to be our drum roadie until there was a bit of an accident with a half-ton gong falling on his head. Made a really impressive noise but didn't do much for Dave's personal skillset. Bit of Tourette's, slight limp, has trouble with loud noises. But charitably, I gave him a job. My lawyers said it was a very good idea. He's been great. Gets rid of Jehovah's witnesses like a shot. Just stands at the door barking out the lyrics to The Ramones' I Wanna be Sedated, only with the word 'fellated'. One of the God-botherers ran clean into the arse of that stone lion on the way out and knocked herself unconscious. Laughed like a drain, we did.
"The plants. Oh yeah. Rue's a funny one. Some people like the smell, some people hate it. Bit chemical, bit citrussy, very odd. Smells like Satan's aftershave, according to the Jehovah's Witnesses.
"Artemisia also smells a bit weird, but it's one of the main ingredients in Absinthe, so it can't be all bad. Also called wormwood. I think Wormwood might have supported us on an American tour once. West Coast folk-rock shite. Apparently it's good at getting rid of moths. The plant, not the band. Though I don't know. We had a bit of a moth problem in the old lady's mink wardrobe a while ago, so I thought I'd try a sprig of artemisia. Not a sausage. They didn't give a shit. So I broke off a bit about three foot long and flattened a load of the fuckers. That worked.
"Do you know you can snort moth? If you've got enough crushed moth around – which I had – you can give it a good old sniffle through a straw. Does fuck all, sadly, except I ate a whole jar of honey that night and had nightmares about being eaten by bats.
"Lavender smells like an 85-year-old's knicker drawer. How do I know that? I can't tell you. There are some things I've done in my life I'm not proud of. It was the afternoon of her husband's funeral too."
"Second, they're nice and soft so if, let's say, you're a bit wobbly on your feet and go arse over tit, they're not going to rip your fucking face off on your way down. And when you're lying there, it's amazing the way the fragrance perks you up. That and Dave the butler heaving you into a wheelbarrow to get you to bed.
"Dave used to be our drum roadie until there was a bit of an accident with a half-ton gong falling on his head. Made a really impressive noise but didn't do much for Dave's personal skillset. Bit of Tourette's, slight limp, has trouble with loud noises. But charitably, I gave him a job. My lawyers said it was a very good idea. He's been great. Gets rid of Jehovah's witnesses like a shot. Just stands at the door barking out the lyrics to The Ramones' I Wanna be Sedated, only with the word 'fellated'. One of the God-botherers ran clean into the arse of that stone lion on the way out and knocked herself unconscious. Laughed like a drain, we did.
"The plants. Oh yeah. Rue's a funny one. Some people like the smell, some people hate it. Bit chemical, bit citrussy, very odd. Smells like Satan's aftershave, according to the Jehovah's Witnesses.
"Artemisia also smells a bit weird, but it's one of the main ingredients in Absinthe, so it can't be all bad. Also called wormwood. I think Wormwood might have supported us on an American tour once. West Coast folk-rock shite. Apparently it's good at getting rid of moths. The plant, not the band. Though I don't know. We had a bit of a moth problem in the old lady's mink wardrobe a while ago, so I thought I'd try a sprig of artemisia. Not a sausage. They didn't give a shit. So I broke off a bit about three foot long and flattened a load of the fuckers. That worked.
"Do you know you can snort moth? If you've got enough crushed moth around – which I had – you can give it a good old sniffle through a straw. Does fuck all, sadly, except I ate a whole jar of honey that night and had nightmares about being eaten by bats.
"Lavender smells like an 85-year-old's knicker drawer. How do I know that? I can't tell you. There are some things I've done in my life I'm not proud of. It was the afternoon of her husband's funeral too."
Ronny on the Mediterranean garden
"I've got a lot of stuff growing in gravel now. Keeps the weeds down, and the Mediterranean plants love it. It actually used to be my helicopter pad, until that time the tail rotor broke as we were landing and the chopper went into a massive spin.
"Went round and round like a frog in a Moulinex but landed right-side up eventually. I was fine. I was sat in the middle, and the whirlies were no worse than what happens after five pints of scrumpy topped up with retsina. But they had to scrape the co-pilot's forehead off the windscreen with a rubber spatula. He was fine, he just looked like a satellite dish until his face popped back out."
"Went round and round like a frog in a Moulinex but landed right-side up eventually. I was fine. I was sat in the middle, and the whirlies were no worse than what happens after five pints of scrumpy topped up with retsina. But they had to scrape the co-pilot's forehead off the windscreen with a rubber spatula. He was fine, he just looked like a satellite dish until his face popped back out."
Ronny on slugs
"I keep a banjo in my toolshed. It's for the slugs. See, a few years ago I came out here one morning and the little slimy bastards had eaten all my hostas. Then I noticed that they'd eaten all the hostas but left the grass. 'Aha,' I thought, 'they hate grass. They probably hate bluegrass even more. Everybody else does'.
"So every once in a while I come out with the banjo and play five or six verses of some Kentucky hillbilly bollocks with lots of yodelling and nonsense lyrics about a mining disaster. Within about 15 minutes they sort of pull their antlers in and go stiff and fall on to the ground. You've got to be a bit careful with the yodelling, though. After half an hour there's a danger of leaf curl.
"I could leave the dead slugs for the birds, but I collect them up in a tin, sprinkle them with paprika and pop them in the oven until they're nice and crispy. Then when those fuckers from the record company come round I tell them it's an exotic Tibetan bar snack. The Head of A&R got through nearly half a pound last time.
"I tried to market the banjo slug repellent idea once, but my manager told me garden centres were having trouble working out where they'd fit an Appalachian string band on their shelves. Shame."
"So every once in a while I come out with the banjo and play five or six verses of some Kentucky hillbilly bollocks with lots of yodelling and nonsense lyrics about a mining disaster. Within about 15 minutes they sort of pull their antlers in and go stiff and fall on to the ground. You've got to be a bit careful with the yodelling, though. After half an hour there's a danger of leaf curl.
"I could leave the dead slugs for the birds, but I collect them up in a tin, sprinkle them with paprika and pop them in the oven until they're nice and crispy. Then when those fuckers from the record company come round I tell them it's an exotic Tibetan bar snack. The Head of A&R got through nearly half a pound last time.
"I tried to market the banjo slug repellent idea once, but my manager told me garden centres were having trouble working out where they'd fit an Appalachian string band on their shelves. Shame."
Ronny on lamb's ears
This is a Stachys. It's a little silver-leafed plant. Don't confuse it with a stack. That's a big pile of amps. Stachys is also called 'lamb's ears'. I think it's a tribute to something Ozzy ate on stage in about 1982. Also because it's sort of hairy.
"It scrambles everywhere and roots into almost anything. We had a drummer like that once. Lost him in Hungary. Last seen getting into a minibus full of nuns. He was naked from the waist down. They seemed quite pleased. Never heard from him again. Frankie, if you're watching this, we left your trousers at the British Embassy."
"It scrambles everywhere and roots into almost anything. We had a drummer like that once. Lost him in Hungary. Last seen getting into a minibus full of nuns. He was naked from the waist down. They seemed quite pleased. Never heard from him again. Frankie, if you're watching this, we left your trousers at the British Embassy."
Ronny on his shed
"Of course I've got a potting shed. It's where you go when it's pissing down, which it always is over here. It's got an armchair, a side table, a fridge, an ashtray, an old telly and a Pink Floyd album in it. And that's it. I go in, sit in my armchair and roll a big one on the album. Always tastes better somehow off Dark Side of the Moon. Traditional, that is. Like how real ale drinkers have a pewter tankard.
"I'll have a couple of beers out of the fridge then if I get a bit of a buzz on I'll heave the telly out of the window to remind me of old times. The telly never worked anyway, and it's left a layer of broken glass outside the window which keeps the nettles down beautifully.
"I only roll up with Rough Old Shag tobacco. The name always makes me laugh. Who ever thought of naming tobacco after a seabird?"
"I'll have a couple of beers out of the fridge then if I get a bit of a buzz on I'll heave the telly out of the window to remind me of old times. The telly never worked anyway, and it's left a layer of broken glass outside the window which keeps the nettles down beautifully.
"I only roll up with Rough Old Shag tobacco. The name always makes me laugh. Who ever thought of naming tobacco after a seabird?"
Ronny on the old lady
"My old lady's planted that orchard over there. She's well into her organic stuff.
"I bought her a little shop a while ago to keep her busy and earn a bit of pin money. What's it called? The Beauty Shop? The Birdy Shop? The Body Shop, that's it. Seems to be going all right, although they keep sending her letters with 'CEO' on them. Fuckwits can't even get her initials right. She went out this morning saying she had to prepare a bid for Boots. Always buying clothes on eBay, that woman.
"Anyway, I'm not supposed to spray the trees with anything. But you can't help it if a bit of blood comes out when you sneeze, though, can you?
"I had a right laugh when she planted them. I said to her 'I hope they grow nice juicy apples. I hate a wrinkly old pear'. That's how I got that scar just under my left eye."
"I bought her a little shop a while ago to keep her busy and earn a bit of pin money. What's it called? The Beauty Shop? The Birdy Shop? The Body Shop, that's it. Seems to be going all right, although they keep sending her letters with 'CEO' on them. Fuckwits can't even get her initials right. She went out this morning saying she had to prepare a bid for Boots. Always buying clothes on eBay, that woman.
"Anyway, I'm not supposed to spray the trees with anything. But you can't help it if a bit of blood comes out when you sneeze, though, can you?
"I had a right laugh when she planted them. I said to her 'I hope they grow nice juicy apples. I hate a wrinkly old pear'. That's how I got that scar just under my left eye."
Ronny on trees
"I love trees. I love them so much that I planted a wood right next door to the house. Pissed off the neighbours a bit, though. It was planted all across their lawn. Put a nice weeping willow in the middle of their fishpond. Lovely.
"They moved out not long after. I don't think they liked us much. Not since we got their daughter hooked on smack. But as I said to them, you've got to learn about drugs some time. And you're at your most receptive at about 13."
"They moved out not long after. I don't think they liked us much. Not since we got their daughter hooked on smack. But as I said to them, you've got to learn about drugs some time. And you're at your most receptive at about 13."
Ronny on his garden
"I love my garden. It's where I go to think. I can't think anywhere else. No, literally, I can't. I've built a pub in the house, so if I go inside I'll have a beer and a chaser, then a few voddies and something to liven me up a bit, then a bottle of JD and a few smokes. You can't think after that lot, can you?"
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