"I'm a big fan of scented plants. Rue, artemisia, lavender, all of that. I've got a load of them either side of the path to the front door. There's a few reasons for that. First, most of them have light-coloured foliage, so if you come home late it's easy to see where the path is. Even if you have to close one eye and squint a bit.
"Second, they're nice and soft so if, let's say, you're a bit wobbly on your feet and go arse over tit, they're not going to rip your fucking face off on your way down. And when you're lying there, it's amazing the way the fragrance perks you up. That and Dave the butler heaving you into a wheelbarrow to get you to bed.
"Dave used to be our drum roadie until there was a bit of an accident with a half-ton gong falling on his head. Made a really impressive noise but didn't do much for Dave's personal skillset. Bit of Tourette's, slight limp, has trouble with loud noises. But charitably, I gave him a job. My lawyers said it was a very good idea. He's been great. Gets rid of Jehovah's witnesses like a shot. Just stands at the door barking out the lyrics to The Ramones' I Wanna be Sedated, only with the word 'fellated'. One of the God-botherers ran clean into the arse of that stone lion on the way out and knocked herself unconscious. Laughed like a drain, we did.
"The plants. Oh yeah. Rue's a funny one. Some people like the smell, some people hate it. Bit chemical, bit citrussy, very odd. Smells like Satan's aftershave, according to the Jehovah's Witnesses.
"Artemisia also smells a bit weird, but it's one of the main ingredients in Absinthe, so it can't be all bad. Also called wormwood. I think Wormwood might have supported us on an American tour once. West Coast folk-rock shite. Apparently it's good at getting rid of moths. The plant, not the band. Though I don't know. We had a bit of a moth problem in the old lady's mink wardrobe a while ago, so I thought I'd try a sprig of artemisia. Not a sausage. They didn't give a shit. So I broke off a bit about three foot long and flattened a load of the fuckers. That worked.
"Do you know you can snort moth? If you've got enough crushed moth around – which I had – you can give it a good old sniffle through a straw. Does fuck all, sadly, except I ate a whole jar of honey that night and had nightmares about being eaten by bats.
"Lavender smells like an 85-year-old's knicker drawer. How do I know that? I can't tell you. There are some things I've done in my life I'm not proud of. It was the afternoon of her husband's funeral too."
